"Cemetery Polka"
'Rain Dogs', 1985
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When researching this song, I was surprised to discover that Uncle Vernon, the character who opens and closes the lyrics, is a real person. Or, at least, Tom did have an Uncle named Vernon. I don’t know if he was a big shot at the slaughterhouse or if he played accordion for Mr. Weiss, but he did have an impact on Tom as a child. Here’s Tom talking about him in 1993:
There's no one really in show business in my family but there were two relatives who had an effect on me very young and shaped me in some way. They were Uncle Vernon and Uncle Robert. I always hated the sound of my voice when I was a kid. I always wanted to sound more like my Uncle Vernon, who had a raspy, gravelly voice. Everything Uncle Vernon said sounded important, and you always got it the first time because you wouldn't dare ask him to repeat it. Eventually, I learned that Uncle Vernon had had a throat operation as a kid and the doctors had left behind a small pair of scissors and gauze when they closed him up. Years later at Christmas dinner, Uncle Vernon started to choke while trying to dislodge an errant string bean, and he coughed up the gauze and the scissors. That's how Uncle Vernon got his voice, and that's how I got mine- from trying to sound just like him.
Tom certainly sounds like someone with a pair of scissors lodged in his throat on “Cemetery Polka.” I’m not sure I’d go so far as claiming “Cemetery Polka” is Tom’s greatest song, but I’d certainly understand someone making that argument. The macabre lyrics mixed with carnival-of-horrors music feel quintessential Waits. And it’s all over in under two minutes; practically a Ramones song.
It’s clearly one of Tom’s favorites too. According to setlist.fm, it’s his third most-performed song ever (after “16 Shells From a Thirty-Ought-Six” and “Innocent When You Dream”). He started playing it when Rain Dogs came out and basically never stopped. He played it at his last full concert, in Dublin in 2008, and his last semi-full concert, at one of Neil Young’s Bridge School benefits in 2013. That horn-driven version is worth watching:
Another interesting one is this piano arrangement from the Mule Variations tour in 1999. Hopefully this embed jumps you automatically to the right spot, but if not it’s just before the 35-minute mark.
And one more – because can you really have too many “Cemetery Polka”s? – is the beautiful 2008 Glitter & Doom arrangements with the clarinet interludes. I can’t believe this was left off the live album!
Excellent story about the scissors and overall great idea for a Substack. Just subscribed.